Gone so wrong.

Trying to soothe the pain. Inara gave me something to help me sleep last night, except...I kept waking up, trying to find him with my arm in the dark, then remembering. What do I keep doing wrong that the same thing happens over and over again?
Why can't people just...not lead me on? Am I too clingy? Not putting enough effort in, what? Why did he do it? Build up my confidence in him, let me put all my trust in him, then...just when I had settled down with it all...he cheats. The reason? Something about what she 'represents'. What kind of fucking excuse is THAT? The only thing she fucking represents is the end of our relationship.
How long did it take to build up? Were they visiting each other behind my back, whilst I was sat at home, waiting for him to come back...was he with her?

I remember when we first talked, just when Kimochi had decided I wasn't enough for her and went off with him...he found that out. I cried that day, cried in front of someone I'd never really spoken to before, the one person that had CAUSED so much upset.
He told me what Kimochi was doing was wrong, how nobody should ever do that to someone...string them along, making them believe you love them. There was something about him, so genuine, caring...I felt I could trust him. Then he left Kimochi for me. I didn't expect it, I didn't even know if I wanted it at that point, until he kissed me. That's when it hit me. I was in love.

It was so perfect, so...I can't describe it, I really don't know how. Then he threw it away, he went from being my boyfriend, my best friend and everyone I ever needed...to nothing...in seconds. How could he not have known whilst he was fucking her, just how much it would hurt me? I don't care if he shared a fucking 'connection' with her...not about anything. What was wrong with staying friends with her? I've never even heard of this 'Ciarente' before, then suddenly, she's sleeping with Vincent.

I probably shouldn't have said what I did to him, I didn't mean it all...but, I can't bring myself to stay with him. I can't go through that again, not ever. I don't know what I'm going to do for now...I guess my old apartment will have to do, maybe he'll throw out my clothes, maybe not. Either way, I'll need new clothes so I don't have to go back there.

I've never, ever felt like this...it hurts so much... welcome home, Kelsy.